Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
accomplished twins. life is a go
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
