it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
