I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
