How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You are the jesus of drinking
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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