I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
