just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
