Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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