She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
