I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
