so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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