Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
