i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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