He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
