Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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