I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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