Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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