mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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