You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
