I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
