Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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