i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I will pee on everything he values.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
