I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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