I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
