Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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