I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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