areolas are like halos for boobs.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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