My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You took a bar mat shot.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
