The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Acid is not a monday night drug
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
