This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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