whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
