i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
