He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
