did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
