I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
