The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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