How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
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