Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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