Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
