dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
