I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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