Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
