im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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