fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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