I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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