he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
This is classic penis vs brain.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
