Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
