Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
