one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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