and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
