I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
